My six-hour ride back home took me down memory lane.

Saturday at 5:30 pm, I boarded. I brought out the shuffle you gave and played random songs as I always do. Every scan played songs I never wanted to hear... of melancholy, of cynicism, of trying to end something that once was too perfect to believe it is nearing end.

Then the bus played Big Momma's House. Martin Lawrence... I remember Pau saying he looks like you. Here I go thinking of you again.

Scan, scan. I was like a fool. Lumps of tears formed at every daunting lyric. Fortunately no passenger was beside me. I wiped every lump with my bear hand.

Another scan... the music played.

        "Oceans apart day after day, and I slowly go insane..."

Memories. I remember playing this song at our Humanities class six years ago. How I struggled to learn it in piano just so I can play it perfectly. My fingers were shaking at the start, I never played the piano before. Still I played with you watching, hoping each note reached you.

I was now at Santa when its first note started. The scenic view of Santa's coast is arresting, yet eliciting abhorrence to the fact that this panoramic view is what's keeping us apart. I saw myself standing at its edge, yelling out your name under gray skies... hoping you could hear it at the other end.

          "If I see you next to never, how can we say forever?"

It has been a week since you told me these words. It hit my heart so deep thinking about it. I miss you so badly.
Tears formed again.

          "I took for granted all the times that I thought would last somehow.
           I hear the laughter, I taste the tears, but I can't get near you now..."

Maybe I really blew it, the time you came home last September. I regretted letting every chance of seeing you slip away. I was too confident our every meeting was enough. My confidence faked me.

          "I wonder how we can survive this romance
                            but in the end if I'm with you, I'd take the chance."

I was wary the moment you asked me to either keep this relationship or not before you left five years ago, but I knew in my heart I can't let this pass. Without any doubt I said I'd keep this... until now.

          "Wherever you go, whatever you do...
            Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks...
             I will be right here waiting for you."

Our struggle is indeed tough, like how I struggled playing this song first time. I wanted to play it so badly. I took a chance. I struggled. I found ways to learn it even if in majority I could suck. In the end I managed to play it.

Everything I have, everything I am now is because you are my inspiration.

It pains to see how you could be so cynical now. I have become cynical too.

Still, I am just right here, waiting.

Somehow, I still wait. I still can't give you up.